This is something that has been on my mind for the past few months. It’s a pretty well known and common tradition that when a couple gets married, the bride takes the husband’s last name.
I can honestly tell you that the idea of doing this, throughout my 7-year relationship, crossed my mind maybe less five times. Truly, I rarely thought about it, except for the passing Pinterest browsing. It’s never been something super important to me.
When we got engaged, I still didn’t think about it for the first few months. Then it started popping up in my wedding planning. At first, I thought, no big deal, just some paperwork. Then I started really thinking about it. Throughout this entire wedding process, I have grappled with which wedding traditions to hold onto and which one to leave behind.
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Now, I don’t want to offend or discount anyone who decides to take their significant other’s last name. Changing your name is a big deal. It’s something I have gone back and forth with for months.
Can we just talk about this tradition for a second?
It’s a tradition rooted in the patriarchal values of a different time.
Taking the name of your husband meant giving up your own identity as an individual person and becoming the wife of someone else. A married couple was seen as a single entity. A woman couldn’t vote, have a bank account, or really make any legal decisions. It was always the husband. The original idea was in fact to erase the identity of the wife. It also provided the evidence of a legal heir, so children would have a name to carry on for legal reasons and inheritance reasons.
As a modern-day feminist who is still trying to navigate what that means – I don’t feel comfortable with changing my name. You might ask why I’m getting married at all because marriage itself was also founded in the patriarchy.
But marriage has become an all-inclusive institution – for the most part. There is a legal stability from being married and there is a romantic aspect of taking a vow to be with the one you love forever.
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My relationship has always been a partnership. We are a team and we are equals. We always try to find the balance in our lives together. So why should I take a part of him and leave a piece of me behind?
It’s romantic for starters, it is a feeling of unity and makes you feel like a family. These are some of the modern reasons why women still change their names.
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And that’s totally okay too.
My fiance said that when you agree to marry someone you’re pretty much saying yes to changing your name, that it’s just expected. But it doesn’t have to be true. Just because something is tradition doesn’t mean it’s for you.
My ideal choice would be to have us BOTH change our names to something new – maybe the combination of both of our last names. Or maybe a whole new name. When I asked my fiance what he thought about that – at first, he said: “everyone knows me by my last name”. I told him the same thing.
He’s coming around to the idea of us both changing our names together. But that’s a big deal too- it’s taking on a new identity for both of us. If we don’t decide to do that, I won’t be changing my name. This is a choice I feel most comfortable with.
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While I’m speaking from a heteronormative perspective, this is something that the LGBTQ community is faced with every time they get married. There is no tradition that dictates what they can and cannot do – they make their own rules and I love that. A friend of mine told me when he and his boyfriend get married they’ll take his middle name because they love the way it sounds.
Not changing your name when you get married doesn’t have to be this huge rebellion against tradition. It should be about what works for you and your significant other. It’s a choice!
What do you think about changing your name when you get married? Have you changed your name? Are you planning on changing your name when you get married? Let me know in the comments!
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Christina is a twenty-something living with her beagle, Mash, and husband, Nate in their van. She loves traveling, shopping, art, and photography. She’s also a vegetarian, pop-culture enthusiast, book-lover, and Dave Matthews Band fanatic. Catch her somewhere around the country in a converted camper van or at home in Florida for a visit.
I totally agree with how you feel.
I decided not to change my name when I got married. My situation got very difficult and maybe it’ll change one day.. But for now I’m keeping my last name 🙂
I must admit I feel the opposite.. I got married in Italy where you can’t change your surname even if you want to and I hate it. For me taking my husbands surname is something symbolic in the move to becoming part of the same family. I also don’t know who I am anymore, in the sense that for me I’m a mrs but I’m not mrs maiden name and I can’t be mrs husbands name so what am I? The hardest part for me was having my daughter and now her and my husband have the same surname and I’m the odd one out. For me it’s the element of choice and the fact I don’t have that here makes me sad. Love he idea of you both changing your name I think that’s an incredible gesture
I did not know that you weren’t allowed to change your name. No matter what, not having the option is not cool. I think it should always be a choice.
I kind of agree with you! I don’t see it as a negative thing at all. I also want the same last name as my children. I don’t feel like I’m giving up any part of who I am by changing my last name. To be honest, I never liked my last name and I always looked forward to the day when I could change it!
I think that’s a good reason to though. If you don’t like your name and want to change it then why the heck not?
This is an interesting perspective that I normally don’t hear (being a part of the Bible belt), but I do see value in keeping your identity (in the form of your last name) if you feel that taking your husband’s name would blur those lines for you. Great post.
I completely agree with you … I never understood the tradition. Especially when you have got all your degrees and other qualifications under one name and then you suddenly have to give all that up. Makes no sense.
❥ tanvii.com
Yesss! Exactly! Or if you have a business or a brand that depends on your own name. It really doesn’t make sense to change it after all that hard work.
Great article and so well written. I took my husbands last name, but that is what I wanted and was happy to do it, But I can see if your not happy doing it then don’t. I like the idea of creating your own last name!
XO-Lisa
http://www.thatssodarling.com
In my first marriage, I jumped and changed my name, purely because I thought it was going to be neat to have a new last name, PLUS I was like “Oh good.. I won’t have to spell my last name out anymore!” THE DAY, that I went to get my new driver’s license, the worker calls my name, and I looked around like “Hmm.. there’s another person here with CLOSE to my new last name!” Then, I realized she was talking to me, and I sighed and corrected her pronunciation, lol. Well, I DID have to continue to spelled my new last name out, because it’s not the “traditional” way of spelling that last name, LOL. In my second marriage, it took me almost two years to finally change my last name, just because my husband wanted me to change it. I told him that he should take my last name, but he wasn’t having that… tradition, schmradition, lmao. The ONLY good thing, about my married name, is that it’s way more common than my maiden name, lol. So…. yep… I just went along with tradition… I still like my maiden name much, MUCH better than my last name now. #donttellthehusband lmao
See I can totally see your perspective on wanting to change it the first time. It’s new and exciting and if you want to do it then why the heck not?? I can also see why your second husband would want you to change your name to his instead of possibly keeping your ex’s name. But if you have a cool maiden name that you love you shouldn’t have to give it up. But no matter what, I believe you should do what’s comfortable. People need to be having more conversations about it!
Super difficult question. I need to find a husband first LOL but back to the question. I understand both points of views to be honest and I haven’t really thought about it. But as a family with kids I’d like that everyone has the same name. Kids and Parents.. this shows that they are a family and belong together. Which name husbands or wives is up for everyone to discuss. Me personally I think I’d be okay with changing my name. But I guess we’ll see when the moment comes.
I think it’s important to think about before the husband too! lol. But yes, I agree with you too, having one name definitely makes you feel like a family, especially if you have kids. Kids change everything. I just think that it should be a discussion and then do what feels right. What if your future husband has a terrible last name?? Or your name sounds bad with it. lol, I’m sure it’d be hard to find a last name that sounds bad with Nina. I guess I’m just not about tradition for the sake of tradition.
So happy to read this post! I always thought it was weird to see how eager girls were to change their last names. My last name is ME. It’s my identity. And my husband is completely on board with me keeping my last name (he’s even talked about changing his last name to mine, Fox – talk about changing tradition!) What do you think you’ll do when you have kids (if you choose to)? That’s the one part that I’m still confused on the best thing to do with our different last names.
Fox is a great name! I can definitely see why you wouldn’t want to change it. I think it’s harder with kids. One idea I had is to combine our surnames. We’ve come up with a few versions that actually sound pretty cool. And then potential kids would get that last name. Or maybe we’ll come up with a whole new name for both of us and potential kids. It’s a working conversation lol.
I wasn’t crazy about my maiden name (it was easy to mess up and make jokes about) so I would have been cool with taking my husband’s name even if I hadn’t had the traditional mindset that I did. I can see how it could concern women with advanced degrees or who have otherwise made a name for themselves through a career, though.
OH yeah, if you’ve built a career around your brand name for sure.
These are all great points! I did the traditional way and did change my name and it was such a process and took years to get used to. My mom was really upset because she wanted me to use my maiden name as my middle name and I did not. If you don’t want to change your name it’s your decision and I respect that. 🙂
It is not in our culture (Indians from India) to have surnames but we have initial from our father’s name. So there wasn’t a question of changing the names at all. But of late, everyone is catching up with the Western lifestyle and almost everyone is changing their names.
As if that is not enough people are questioning when one doesn’t wanna change. What is with these world!
Gayathri @ Musings Over Nothing
You’re right, it’s so crazy because it’s such an outdated tradition!
Loved this!!! So sincere! I agree with you. I didn’t change my last name when I got married either because of my thinking. You wrote it so well but that’s how I felt 4 years ago and hence, didn’t change it! 🙂
Thank you Andrea! I was pretty nervous to say it because I am so new to the conversation. So I really appreciate this! <3
I didn’t change my name when I got married – but for a hot second my husband even considered changing his last name to MY last name. He has always been completely supportive and even encouraging of this so it was an easy choice for me 🙂
Oh I love that! I wish it was more mainstream for men to change their names too.
I didn’t change mine. We have discussed changing both of our last names though. However, we continously get stuck trying to pick one. Until we pick one I’ll keep mine and my kids will keep mine as well.
Yeah that was my thing too, if we couldn’t agree on something equal for both of us I’m keeping mine. Now that we’ve been married for a few months I’m thinking I’ll just keep mine. But I’m sure if we have kids we’ll revisit the idea.
I’m currently battling with this right now… I knew that when I got married I didn’t want to change my last name, mainly because my spouse and I had been together well over 10 years and in that time I graduated from University, started a career, earned my Master’s Degree, and made so many network connections with my current last name that I just don’t want to start all over with that. I’ve always voiced my opinion and preference to him, but he has been so strong in his request that I change my name that I really feel the tension building. How do I navigate the discussion without leaving him hurt? I certainly didn’t marry him for his last name, he knows that, and I certainly wouldn’t feel less of his wife if I didn’t change my name. I also explained that I would be willing to hyphenate… also not a reasonable compromise to him. I’m stuck, but your post definitely validated so many of my thoughts on this topic. Thank you <3